Kimberly [00:00:05]:
Hello, beautiful souls. It's Kimberly Virginia, your host of the Soulful Motherhood by Design podcast, where we go deep on all things motherhood. I'm a certified positive, discipline, parent educator, accredited life coach, human design specialist, and mother of two precious kiddos. Through inspiring conversations, I'll guide you on this Soulful Motherhood journey and help you to create peace in your home and your heart, raise kind and loving humans, all while living your soul's purpose. So let's get started. I'm so glad you're here. Hello, hello, you amazing people. Welcome back to the Soulful Motherhood by Design podcast with me, Kimberly, your host.
Kimberly [00:00:50]:
I'm so excited to be here again with you this week for another solo episode. You know, I've just been wanting so much to share some more tools with all of you mamas and caretakers who are going through it just like me. And I have a story that I want to share specifically about something that I continually do over and over that I am like, why do I keep doing this to myself? And why do I keep doing this to my child who is five and a half, almost six? And I'm going to tell you this story and paint a picture that will really help you understand why I'm bringing this tip or this tool to you this week. There are so many moments as a mother who all of us moms, whether you're a stay at home mom, whether you're a part time job, an entrepreneur, a full time job, whatever it is, it is a lot of work. It is a job in and of itself. And sometimes by the end of the day, or even in the morning, depending on what has happened, you are completely unfurled. You're just mad or angry or stressed, whatever it is. And you try to come at your child with some sort of correction or teaching them something.
Kimberly [00:02:14]:
But when you are so unfurled, there is no possible way that that message is getting through to your kiddo, let alone a message of love within it. Right? There was this one time that we were doing bath, and I was just done. It was the end of the workday. It was a really stressful day. Got some maybe feedback from a client that didn't feel that great. And then I was out of gas, and none of the gas stations were open. Whenever I drove in, they were just all full, and I was late to get Sailor at daycare. So it just felt so stressful.
Kimberly [00:02:53]:
And little by little, I just became unfurled. And then I get home, and instead of it being a typical kind of fun evening, it is just chaos. Sailor screaming with her passy and screaming that she wants the toy that Marley has and Marley doing handstands and jumping off the couch and hurting her leg, and then them both fighting, and then Pete's trying to make dinner and get them to wash their hands. And we're just, like, so overwhelmed and so unfurled and asking Marley to wash her hands. And do you think that after all of that, I was able to calmly help my daughter wash her hands? No. You guessed it. I was not. Instead, Marley, can you please wash your hands? I don't understand why you're not listening to me.
Kimberly [00:03:45]:
Quite the opposite of kind and firm, quite the opposite of feeling empowered. And not only is it not conscious or kind and firm parenting or all of those things that I talk about, it's also the worst thing for her human design. She's a projector. So she takes in everything that's happening around her and then projects it back out to you like you're on a movie theater screen. So then it just gets worse, right? So I have a tool to use to understand not only when we become unfurled, but our children as well. And this goes into a little bit about brain and child development. As you know, I'm a huge proponent of Jane Nelson's work and am a trained, certified positive discipline expert. And what I'm going to walk you through is Jane Nelson's work from her positive discipline workbook.
Kimberly [00:04:43]:
And this is a lot of what I teach parents in coaching. This is a lot of what I teach parents in my workshops. So you're going to get a little taste of this, and I hope it supports you all in these moments of chaos for you and also for your kids. It's really heartbreaking when kiddos are punished for behavior that's really developmentally typical and really beyond their control. It's appropriate for young kiddos to explore and test these boundaries. And with this understanding, we will really know why it's important to use kind and firm parenting tools. I want to read a little bit about the brain and understanding more about the brain so that this really kind of hits home for you. So the prefrontal frontal cortex is where you know right from wrong morality.
Kimberly [00:05:34]:
You regulate your emotions, self control, and have the ability to respond instead of react. And that's rationality. The prefrontal cortex doesn't finish developing for 25 years. So children don't have a fully formed prefrontal cortex at all. It's not fully formed until they're 25. Some of you who are listening might not even be 25 yet, so that's really important for you to keep in mind. They do not have the neurology to self regulate like adults do. That's why it's our job, our job as parents, as adults, as caretakers, to model that self regulation until their brains are able to absorb it.
Kimberly [00:06:16]:
So the idea is not to stop yourself from getting all upset or flipping your lid or becoming unfurled, but it's something that will continue to happen to all of us because we're humans. But the challenge is really to become more aware of what is happening sooner as you are more aware, as that increases, you'll be able to choose self soothing methods sooner, and then you can teach the same thing to your kids. I had a wonderful session with a dear, dear client yesterday, the day before it was this week. And we had a wonderful human design deep dive for her and one of her children that she has some questions about how to parent her in that I presented this tool, and it's called the brain in the palm of your you know. This is also from the book Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel. So both Jane and Daniel's work here. And although you can't see me, I think that you're going to get a really good idea of what I'm doing, and it's technically a visual exercise. If you'd like to actually watch the demonstration of what I'm about to do.
Kimberly [00:07:30]:
Using the hand as a model of the palm, the brain in the palm of your hand, you can go to positivediscipline.com videos. I will link that in this episode so that you can actually visually see it. In case you're not the type of person who can think about this in your mind and paint the picture. If you're driving, if you're sitting, if you're taking notes, if you're on your walk, whatever you're doing, you can kind of safely imagine this exercise I'm about to share with you. And it's a great way for you to become aware sooner about your brain as a caregiver and just as a human in general, and also use it with your kids. So hold up your hand with your palm open if it's safe to do so, wherever you are, and I'm doing the same right along with you. The palm of your hand to your wrist represents your brain stem. This is the fight flight, freeze part of your brain.
Kimberly [00:08:28]:
Now fold your thumb across your palm. Your thumb represents your limbic system, which is where you process the emotions and you store all your memories. It's also where you have your safety radar, which is the amygdala. Now fold your fingers over your thumb to make a fist. So now you have your arm up and your wrist is out, and your thumb is safely beneath your fingers in a fist, and you're holding it up. Your fist represents the cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the only place where rational thinking and emotional control takes place. Regulation of emotions, regulation of interpersonal relationships, response, flexibility, intuition, social cognition, self awareness, letting go of fears, morality, and so much more.
Kimberly [00:09:18]:
When you get upset, you flip your lid. So now flip your fingers all the way up to expose your midbrain and act from old irrational emotions and fight or flight. This is when you're in your anger. This is when you're what I was saying unfurled, right? And this is such a wonderful representation of how you're feeling in those moments. Like I said at the beginning of this episode, maybe at the beginning of the day, your fist is completely closed you did. Whatever your morning routine is, you got your breakfast, maybe your cup of coffee or your tea. And I'm kind of describing my morning routine. Ideally, your kids sleep in until when they normally do.
Kimberly [00:10:03]:
You got to shower and meditate, and their lunches are ready to go. All the things you need to be prepped for the day are done and you are just like, oh my gosh, I feel great. And then slowly but surely, one by one, things will happen so that the fingers just start to slowly kind of come up and unfurl. Oh, I'm out of gas. I totally forgot about that. Oh, my gosh, I have that meeting at 830. I'm going to be late for that. It was spirit day for Sailor today, and I didn't put her in any fun outfit.
Kimberly [00:10:36]:
Oh, my gosh, now I feel so guilty. Oh, my gosh, I'm back to back all day at work. I forgot my lunch on my way to get Sailor. Now I need to get my gas and oh my gosh, everything's full now. I'm going to be late. Yada, yada, yada. Right? I'm just giving you real examples of my own life. So then by this time, slowly but surely, each finger has come up and your lid is now flipped.
Kimberly [00:11:01]:
And you are not in a rational space to be able to really reasonably react or regulate your emotions. I like to express this or demonstrate this to you all, because when you are flipped, it is not a time to be in correction. It is not a time to be teaching, to be training, to be trying to correct anything. This is now the time to try to get yourself back to that safe space. And I'm slowly curling my fingers back down. Maybe it's taking a quiet time out. Maybe it's going for a walk. Maybe it's letting whoever is helping you take over for a minute.
Kimberly [00:11:42]:
Maybe it's giving your kids the iPads and letting them sit for a second with some screen time. Right? I have done that. I have needed to do that. Whatever it is that will help you get back to the place where you can rationally express what you need correct with your child, connect with your child, and also be able to show them this demonstration. And what I did with my client the other day was we walked through this same thing and I said, you know what, you can do this with your kiddos. And you can say, hey, when Mommy's fingers are unflipped, that means I am in my lion brain and I cannot have anybody ask talk to me because I'm just feeling really unfurled and I need help. I'm cranky, right? And that happens to you, too. So next time it happens, you can just show me your hand.
Kimberly [00:12:35]:
And I'll be like, oh, I'm in my lion brain or my dragon brain or whatever it is your kid wants to call it. This is a wonderful exercise to show them so that they can start to understand their own emotions. And hey, Marley, what do you think we would need to do to get back to our unicorn brain or our magic fairy brain? And that's when your fist is closed. Make it fun and interactive and relatable to them so that they can start to embody and recognize when they're starting to become flipped, when their lid is starting to get unfurled. And they actually should not expect that they can reasonably react either. As they get older, they'll be able to use this as well in a classroom setting, in a sports team setting, maybe even in an interaction with friends where some issues are happening. And drama high school, right? We all remember that relationships, romantic relationships, they can use this so that when they do connect with that person, it's not in an irrational flip your lid way. I love this exercise because it's so relatable for all of us.
Kimberly [00:13:47]:
And I will tell you again that there have been many times for me that I forget this and try to connect or correct when I'm flipped, and it's just not possible for you to be able to do that. So I know this was a quick episode, but I felt like it was really important to share with you all this demonstration and this tip so that you could all maybe start to use it not only in your own life, but with your kids. This is also really relatable in the workplace. If you get feedback from a leader and you don't necessarily like what you heard, it is not the time for you to reasonably connect. If your lid is flipped, there might be some other things that contribute to it. Take a beat, ask for some time and come back when you are in that space of safety, when you are in your right brain, your magic brain, your fairy brain, whatever you want to call it, and know that you'll probably be more comfortable, more proud, more happy and excited that you came at it from that space versus a place of flipped lid. That is it for today, my friends. I know it was a quick one.
Kimberly [00:15:01]:
Sometimes it's fun to have a little quick snippet, like a mini sewed, and I'm going to be doing more of those. I started off with that. And then we have these wonderful guest episodes. We will have an amazing guest for you next week. In the meantime, I want to make sure again, I mentioned my Parenting by Design Guide. If you're curious at all to know more about your type, your strategy and your authority, make sure that you dive into my website. Get your free Body graph chart using your date of birth, time of birth and location, and then you can also opt in to the Parenting by Design guide, which is free to all my listeners and anyone who visits my website. You just have to add yourself to my mailing list.
Kimberly [00:15:42]:
That's a great way to start the journey of human design, whether you're a beginner or not. It also gives you prompts to look at your child's design so you can start to leverage some of that knowledge about your kiddo. With the tools I'm presenting around positive discipline and the spirituality, the things like our Akashic records, spiritual healing, tarot, all of the things that we've talked about. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day. Stay tuned for more fun and exciting offerings now that we're starting to think about fall coming, which is just nuts. And I'm so excited that you've all joined me today and have been joining me. Please have a wonderful day, evening, morning, wherever you're at and whatever time you're listening. Thanks for being here, everyone.
Kimberly [00:16:30]:
Bye for now. Thank you everyone so much for being here. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe, rate and review so we can continue to bring soulful content your way each week. You can also join my community via my socials, which you can find in the show notes. Until next time, bye for nowhere. Close.