Boundaries are sacred. And yes, we all "know" we should set them... but how? And how do we know what our boundaries actually are? In this candid conversation, I dive into my own experience with boundary setting and limiting beliefs as to why some people have a block with being able to learn them and hold them.
I offer insight into my childhood wounds that have held me back from knowing how to set boundaries and further... how I overcame that. I share tips, tricks and practices to this episode to enrich your own boundary setting practice.
Enjoy this episode and... enjoy setting some boundaries!
Mentioned in this episode:
Resources for Kimberly Virginia:
Disclaimer: The Soulful Motherhood by Design Podcast and content posted by Mel Robbins is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
Boundaries are sacred. And yes, we all "know" we should set them... but how? And how do we know what our boundaries actually are? In this candid conversation, I dive into my own experience with boundary setting and limiting beliefs as to why some people have a block with being able to learn them and hold them.
I offer insight into my childhood wounds that have held me back from knowing how to set boundaries and further... how I overcame that. I share tips, tricks and practices to this episode to enrich your own boundary setting practice.
Enjoy this episode and... enjoy setting some boundaries!
Mentioned in this episode:
Resources for Kimberly Virginia:
Disclaimer: The Soulful Motherhood by Design Podcast and content posted by Mel Robbins is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
Kimberly [00:00:05]:
Hello, beautiful souls. It's Kimberly Virginia, your host of The Soulful Motherhood by Design podcast, where we go deep on all things motherhood. I'm a certified positive, discipline, parent educator, accredited life coach, human design specialist, and mother of two precious kiddos. Through inspiring conversations, I'll guide you on this Soulful Motherhood journey and help you to create peace in your home and your heart, raise kind and loving humans, all while living your soul's purpose. So let's get started. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of The Soulful Motherhood by Design podcast. With me, your host, kimberly Virginia.
Kimberly [00:00:52]:
Have you ever said yes when you really meant no? Have you ever gone to that thing to make someone happy, but you really didn't want to? Have you allowed your child to have that thing, that snack, that treat, that toy, that playdate, even though you had already said no because you really didn't want to disappoint them? Have you made other people's problems your priority? Have you put someone else's needs or happiness before your own? Have you ever profusely, apologized and taken ownership for things that really aren't your fault or your responsibility? If you said yes to any of these things, it might be time for you to reflect on boundaries. Boundaries are something that are pretty popular to talk about right now, but I'd like to dive a little further into them, because they've been coming up for me, too, really understanding my own boundaries, my boundaries with my child, boundaries with clients, with previous employers, lovers, partners, friends. According to a study done by the thriving center of Psychology, 58% of Americans have trouble saying no to others. 65% of those are women, 63% consider themselves people pleasers, and 67% of those are women. So what are boundaries? What would we actually consider to be boundaries when we think about that? Well, I did a little bit of research, and there's this great article from LoveIsRespect.org, and it defines boundaries as showing where one thing ends and another begins. Boundaries in a relationship are kind of like this. They help each other figure out when one person ends and the other begins. In short, boundaries help you define what you're comfortable with and how you'd like to be treated by others.
Kimberly [00:03:06]:
Some examples of boundaries could be things like I'm cool with following each other on social media but not sharing passwords. I'm comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public. I'm okay with regularly texting, but I don't want to text multiple times in an hour. I want to spend time with my friends and family on weekends. I need quiet time to myself every day. I'm comfortable with some touching, but I'm not ready to have sex. Those are some examples of boundaries. Again, that's from LoveIsRespect.org.
Kimberly [00:03:39]:
In my experience, boundaries that are firm and kind really come from a place of knowing yourself. They have to be rooted in understanding what our limiting beliefs are and what is behind not being able to hold those boundaries. So I want to share a little story with you. And this came from doing some inner child work with my coach and also my therapist. And we've dug into a lot of my stuff as I've really dove into wanting to be more of service to others and wanting to really elevate and up level how I show up with my clients and how I show up with my family and for myself. And a lot of that has come from diving into where do my limiting beliefs stem from when I was a little girl all the way back to age two, before I can even remember, to be honest with you. I developed an eye problem. And it's likely I was born with this, but it didn't really start to show until I began to be able to focus and try to read and really focus my eyes into looking at things.
Kimberly [00:04:51]:
So around age two, from what my mom told me, is when they started to notice that my eye would cross inward so much so that you could barely see the iris of my eye, all you could see was the white part of it and it would cross in so much when I was focusing on something. And my mom would go, babe, did you see that? Did you see that? And my dad would look and be like, no, I don't see anything because it would only be when I focused. As I got a little older, they realized that I had an eye problem called accommodative esotropia. And this is an eye problem where you have to use both eye muscles in order for at least one of them to focus in and read something. So when I would go to read or look at somebody or focus, one of my eyes would pull all the way inward so that the other could focus on something. And we call that not having binocular vision. So most of you who are listening probably have binocular vision where you can see out of both eyes like binoculars at the same time and they work together to fuse into one image. My eyes aren't able to do that.
Kimberly [00:06:03]:
And so most of my young adult life we tried to navigate, how do we help her see? And that came with a lot of eye tests and eye patching and really thick Bifocal glasses. I also had astigmatism. So there was a couple of things layered into this actual physical and aesthetic problem as well. So most of my young adult life, all the way childhood through young adult life, I had this physical eye problem. People could notice it, really obviously, and people would try to look around them and see where I was looking. And if my mic sounded funny, it's because I'm looking around me as I'm saying that because I would try to talk to somebody and they wouldn't know that I was looking at them. And I started to get so afraid to make eye contact with people and so afraid of people finding this out about me, that I would avoid looking people in the eye. I would try to use tactics of looking around and pretending I was looking at things other than the person to distract from the fact that I had this issue.
Kimberly [00:07:12]:
I was so embarrassed of it. I had so much shame from it and experienced a lot of I don't necessarily want to call it bullying, but being made fun of, people calling me a freak, people asking me if I was retarded, which I don't. Use that word, but I'm sharing it in the context of this conversation because it was so hurtful to have people ask me if I was retarded and shame associated with that and anger. Like, how could you say that to me? And then it became so common for people to make comments about it and say things behind my back, not be able to take photos because the flash would have my eye cross instantly. So I would hate to have photos taken of myself. And I developed this belief that I needed to do everything I possibly could to steer people away from really looking at me, knowing that it was so uncomfortable for somebody to look at me and look at me in the eyes because it made them think that I was handicapped or it made them uncomfortable. So I would overcompensate. I would do everything I could to make other people comfortable in every other respect I could because I knew that my eyes were going to make people feel uneasy.
Kimberly [00:08:31]:
At least that's what I believed. And so I really tried desperately to have people like me, to have them feel comfortable, to have them see me as a high achiever, to overcompensate with the way I looked, obsession around my body, physical aesthetics, because I wanted to make sure there was nothing else anybody could point out about me. This need to be very, very perfect in every other way so that people felt at ease, so that I could have friends, so that I could have fun and not feel like I was an outcast. That belief really stayed with me until I was in my late 20s. It had me act in certain ways and do certain things and agree to things that were outside of what I knew then were my boundaries. Because all I knew is that for me to survive, I had to make other people comfortable. That was what I believed. That was my survival mechanism.
Kimberly [00:09:34]:
So when I was about 28, I had that eye problem operated on. So physically, you can't really tell that I have this issue anymore. But that belief was so ingrained in me, was so layered into my being of who I was and automatic behaviors that I would operate within that. That translated into everything I did, jobs that I took, friends that I made, relationships I was in decisions to do things or not to do things, join events that I didn't want to be part of, dress certain ways. Everything. And at the core of me is this very empathetic person. As you all know from listening to this podcast, I'm also an empath. So I feel deeply what people are feeling, which I see as a gift and a strength.
Kimberly [00:10:25]:
But back then, not having any awareness around that and having such limiting beliefs around my eye problem, those two things combined really had me feeling like the only way that I was worth anything was when I was making other people happy. Being able to identify that now has allowed me to dive deeper into, okay, what are the things that I actually need to have boundaries around? Who is Kimberly? What does Kimberly like? What do I want? What do I not want? What's okay with me? What's not okay with me? How do I want to be treated? How do I not want to be treated? And as a mother, that becomes even more important because not only are you holding boundaries for yourself, you're holding boundaries for your children and for your family unit. So I share that story with you because I'm sure you all listening have your own rich and vast experience of things that you've been through that are informing any sort of limiting belief about yourself, any assumed constraints that you might have about you and who you are and what you can say yes to, what you can say no to. And that also translates into how you show up with your relationships with your friends, your family, your employer, your clients, your children. So I want to share a couple of tips around how you can dive into a little bit more of your boundaries, how to hold them, how to notice when they're collapsing, and really using the tactic of kindness and firmness. The first thing I'd love to share with you, and this will come as no surprise, is diving into your human design. For those of you who might not have heard the previous episodes, maybe this is your first time listening, or even those of you who have been following along, you might even be a client of mine that is working with me. It doesn't matter where you're at in the journey of human design.
Kimberly [00:12:27]:
What you need to know about it is that it is such an empowering tool to dive into and learn more about yourself. You learn about how you operate energetically with the world and how you're designed to be operating with others, what your gifts are, how you can best leverage your strengths to feel the most light and joy and ease and flow in your life. Learning about my own human design really enlightened me to the things that I've always felt to be true, but was conditioned out of growing up from my eye problem, the way people treated me, the way people talked to me. And then the way that I allowed that to really inform what I could do, what I couldn't do, what I could say, what I couldn't say, all of those things. So that is one of the most important places to start that I recommend. It's not the only thing. If it's not something you're interested in, maybe we'll get you there eventually. But I highly, highly recommend it because you not only are able to just dive deeper into the understanding of human design as a science, but also have your body graph, which is a physical printout that you can look at of yourself and really tap into all of the energies that you have that you're gifted with.
Kimberly [00:13:50]:
And also the spaces that you're open to being conditioned by others. And what I mean by that is almost programmed to think certain ways and be certain ways. Just like what I was talking about with my story. There's things about me in my design that made it even more easy for me to be conditioned certain ways with having open centers, which, if you haven't heard about human design, open centers are the areas that you are not defined in. So those are areas that are very malleable to be programmed and conditioned by others, influenced by others, by outside thinking. And when you're aware of it, you can really have that be something to open you up to learning. If you're not aware of it, it's very easy for you to use that in a way that makes you feel like you need to change who you are. Having that knowledge is a great place to start with.
Kimberly [00:14:49]:
Okay, this is me. This is how I'm designed. And I'm going to start experimenting with some of these gifts and strengths that I have to start holding my own boundaries in a really kind and compassionate way. My next tip is something that I learned in my coaches training program, which was Accomplishment Coaching, which is one of the finest coaching training programs in the world, accredited through the ICF, which is the International Coaches Federation. Shout out to all of my accomplishment coaching fellow graduates. I loved that program. It was so amazing. Not only for my coaching practice, but as a leader and also just if you're interested in learning more about yourself, doing all of that healing work so that you're not hooked by other people's things.
Kimberly [00:15:39]:
So one of the things that I learned there and that I use with my clients is something called a well being tracking sheet. Well being tracking really allows you to create a solid foundation for your life. It allows you to really be self aware of the areas that have you feeling at your best. If you don't understand what it is that you need to feel at your best, there's no way that you can actually set a realistic boundary with others and yourself around what it is you're going to do or not do, say or not say. So this tracking sheet is such a powerful and really easy, simple tool where you go in and you look through, okay, what are the ten items I can track daily that I know? If I did these every single day, I would be at 100% well being. And the idea is that you look to the things that you know you need or want to do, but maybe you're not doing them consistently yet, and this might change over time. So after you're getting 100%, like every day, all day, every day for months and months and months or maybe years, then it's time to kind of evolve. You're leveling up.
Kimberly [00:16:52]:
Maybe it's time to change it. Some places we have clients look when you're working on a well being checklist are what are your physical needs, what are your emotional needs, what are your spiritual needs, mental, relationship, lifestyle, some places to look, right? Those are some interesting areas that you can look inward and say, okay, well, I need absolutely, without a doubt, I need 8 hours of sleep every night. Right. That personally is one of my well being checklist items. I'd say I get to that maybe 80% of the time. I'd love to have that 100% of the time, but at least I have it on my tracking sheet so I know, okay, if I'm not feeling that great, oh, well, I can look back and say, okay, I kind of collapsed my own boundaries there. I've only gotten 8 hours of sleep two nights this week anyway. That's just a quick example.
Kimberly [00:17:48]:
So you look at all those genres and you say, okay, these are my ten items and I'm going to track them daily. And then you look at maybe biweekly, bimonthly monthly, quarterly, annually. What are those things that you know to do that are going to have you feeling at your best? So that's another great tip, great approach that you can use to have you feeling like, okay, I'm back to being I'm in a place where I feel like I'm excited about life. I'm feeling at my best. For the most part, even when you're not at 100% in your checklist, at least the awareness around it will support you in being able to create and dive into what those things are that are non negotiables for you. So that's the second thing. The third thing is understanding the magic in the word. And I love thinking about this because when we think about setting a boundary with someone, a lot of times it can look like you responding and saying something or communicating in a way that's going to have you basically saying no.
Kimberly [00:18:59]:
Right. But it's hard for people to say no. Going back to the statistics I said at the beginning, right? Like 58% of Americans have trouble saying no to others. 65% of those are women. 63% consider themselves people, pleasers. 67% of those are women thinking about basically needing to say no. You can get crafty with how you do it by using the word and this is something I learned in Positive Discipline, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about that in a second because we talk about kindness and firmness at the same time. It's the and that is really the magic there because you can add that to any sentence and it adds that compassion, that empathy, and also allows you to be very clear that this is not going to be something that you're able to do.
Kimberly [00:19:50]:
Kindness and firmness at the same time is so important not only with your children, but when you're holding boundaries with other people. So here's what I mean. Kindness and firmness at the same time. That's so exciting that you have that party. It's going to be so fun and I'm not able to make it that night. I can't wait to hear all about it. That project sounds really riveting and I know it's going to make a really big impact on the company and I'm not available for that project. Let me recommend somebody who is a great resource to you.
Kimberly [00:20:25]:
I know that you really want dessert. It sounds so yummy and the answer is no. I love you so much and I don't want to do that tonight. Those are just a couple of examples of infusing the word and into the boundary setting. It's such an empowering way to not only be really empathetic towards the other person, but also to be very clear, hey, this is something that I'm not able to do today or tonight or it's not going to happen anymore. So I love that and practicing with that and experimenting with that is really, really helpful and has been helpful for me in learning how to really hold my boundaries and become more firm with them. So I want to go a little bit further into the kindness and firmness, which is my next tip for all of you parents listening, you have heard me talk about kindness and firmness at the same time before. I want to share a little bit more about it.
Kimberly [00:21:24]:
And this of course is from Positive Discipline and Jane Nelson did a blog post about this, which I will link, and she talks about how kindness and firmness is really important both in our relationships with our children but also with ourself. Kindness is really important in showing respect to our child and firmness is important because it shows respect to ourselves and the need for respect with the situation, whatever it is that's happening, right? Kindness and firmness and positive Discipline is really beginning by validating feelings and or showing understanding, offering a choice when possible. So examples of this for all you parents are I know you don't want to brush your teeth and we can do it together. You want to keep playing and it's time for bed. Do you want one story or two? I love you. And the answer is no. These are amazing tools for you to use when you're practicing kindness and firmness with your children. So when it comes to setting boundaries that are kind and firm with your children, it goes a little bit further because you're also trying to teach them and coach them on life skills and characteristics that you're helping them to learn and grow.
Kimberly [00:22:46]:
So it goes a little bit further than boundary setting with, say, an employer or a client or friends or other adults, right? Because you're also kind of teaching them. So in this article or blog post that Jane Nelson wrote, she talks a lot about considering limits and the purpose is really to keep children safe and socialized. And when adults set the limits and then enforce them with punishment lectures and control, you invite power struggles and rebellion and fights with your kids. So involving them by giving them choices, involving them in the process of setting those boundaries, of setting those limits, really allows them to feel empowered. So I really want to focus on that. And again, I'll link this blog post. You can find more about kindness and firmness in any of the positive discipline tools that I've mentioned previously as well. But this specifically related to boundaries is so important because not only are you holding boundaries for you and holding boundaries for your children, but you're teaching them how to do that in the process.
Kimberly [00:23:51]:
Something that you can practice with your kiddos is these kind and firm phrases that will help you avoid disrespectful language and increase the cooperation that you have with your children. So here's a few of them your turn is coming. I know you can say that in a respectful way to me. I care about you and we'll wait until we can both be respectful to continue this conversation. I know you can think of a helpful solution. Act. Don't talk. So, for example, quietly and calmly take the child by the hand and show him or her what needs to be done.
Kimberly [00:24:28]:
We'll talk about this later. Now it's time to get in the car. We need to leave the store now. We'll try again later or tomorrow. These are amazing tools to use with your kids or just phrases to practice because they're not punitive and they're not overly permissive. They're right in the middle, which is really huge when you're setting boundaries with your kids. So that's a little bit about the positive discipline aspect of kindness and firmness and boundary setting with your children. So lastly, what are the ways that you can continue to hold your own boundaries? What are some examples or some things that you can do after having done this introspective work with your human design, your well being? Checklist using the word and practicing this with your children is then to practice holding these boundaries or practice creating them for yourself.
Kimberly [00:25:27]:
I found an article from Mindful.org that was really helpful with this. And the author of this actually calls them compassionate boundaries, which I think is very synergistic with the word kind and firm boundaries. So whatever you like to call them, I like calling them kind and firm boundaries, but compassionate boundaries is great too. This author talks about kind of a process in creating your own boundaries. And we talked about some of these already. But really tuning in to when a boundary has been crossed. Anger and resentment are a huge sign that a boundary has been crossed. So tuning into that, so how can I tune into that feeling? Okay, I'm angry right now.
Kimberly [00:26:07]:
Why am I angry? What has me feeling angry? What do I need to do? What's needed here? Am I safe? Tapping into some of those thoughts, tapping into some of those feelings, what are the sensations? What do you need? What's the thought? What's the belief? Jot some of those down and just reflect on them. Once you give yourself the permission to have a welcoming attitude for those feelings, you can actually start to release them and look a little bit deeper to, okay, what needs to happen here to feel more connected to these feelings? How can I feel protected? What needs to be restored then? Acknowledging your boundaries. So my boundaries here have been identified that that thing that happened made me really mad. It made me feel this way. Now I'm going to set a boundary around that thing, whatever it may be, and communicate it. So being able to communicate that lastly, in a compassionate way, a kind and firm way, again, using the word and is a great way to express a boundary. I'll give you an example. We had a birthday party recently we were supposed to go to as a family.
Kimberly [00:27:26]:
And I physically felt like I cannot go to this birthday party. I don't know why. I just know that I'm not meant to go. And knowing my design has me know that. When my gut, my sacral says, don't do that, when my spleenic awareness for those of you who want to know more about that, you can reach out to me. Human design lingo there. But my splenic awareness is very strong and it was like, do not go to this party. And I also know that my husband wanted to go and my daughter wanted to go.
Kimberly [00:27:59]:
So I said, hey babe, I know you really want to go to this birthday party and I'm not going to be able to go with you today. I'll keep sailor here and you guys can go and have a great time. I can't go. Would you like me to make dinner? That was a way of me practicing without asking permission that I could stay home. Expressing that I needed to not go, acknowledging that he wanted to go and saying, you go ahead, have fun. Was that hard? Yeah. Did I do the right thing? Absolutely. It was 100% correct for me to stay, and our family was better for it.
Kimberly [00:28:42]:
They came back. We had dinner together. I felt recharged, restored. I got to rest. Sailor had a huge nap. The house was cleaned. I got to watch a show I wanted to watch. I felt completely joyful and blissful and at ease at the end of that.
Kimberly [00:29:00]:
If I had gone, I would have probably had an okay time maybe. Or maybe something would have happened that would have had me feeling resentful and angry after that's. Just an example, a small one, but a great example of how you can practice a boundary with something that you know you aren't meant to be doing, and it might be impacting other people who do want to do that thing. So to recap those helpful steps from mindful.org, one, tune in when you feel a boundary has been crossed. Two, accept your feelings with kindness. Three, look inward, investigate the needs connected to those feelings. Four, acknowledge your compassionate or your kind and firm boundaries. Acknowledge them.
Kimberly [00:29:45]:
And five, cultivate a compassionate boundary in words. So communicating it, communicating that to the other person or people who are needed to hear that boundary. I hope that you feel excited and energized and equipped with some cool tools to start practicing with, to even just tap into, oh, my gosh, I've never thought about boundaries before. How can I be my own referee in keeping these boundaries with the game that I'm playing around, being happy and fulfilled with the rules of my life, how I want to live? The more you practice that, the more you'll feel empowered and comfortable to continue to do it, it will be second nature. That muscle will grow stronger and stronger and stronger. And with kind and firm boundaries, with clear boundaries, not only are you giving yourself the gift of more ease, more flow, more alignment, and more understanding of yourself, you're also empowering others to do the same in their relationship with you. Not only to respect you and respect your boundaries and to trust you. They trust what you say, and that it's true.
Kimberly [00:30:57]:
But it's also an example to them and an okay for them. Like, hey, you get to set boundaries too. Here I can hold compassionate, kind and firm boundaries, and I welcome you to do the same in this relationship. It's a wonderful, amazing gift to yourself and to others and to your children as you raise them to be strong, capable, well adjusted human beings who care about others. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. It was my pleasure to bring it to you. It's been something that's been coming up a lot. If you're interested in talking about this more, please reach out with my contact form online.
Kimberly [00:31:36]:
You can fill that out at my website. That will be linked in the show notes, or you can follow me. On social media, any of those places that I've mentioned before. Reach out. I'd love to hear from you. Love to hear how your boundary setting is going. And until next time, bye for now. I'll see you next week.
Kimberly [00:31:58]:
Thank you everyone, so much for being here. If you're enjoying this podcast, please subscribe rate and review so we can continue to bring soulful content your way each week. You can also join my community via my socials, which you can find in the show notes. Until next time, bye for nowhere.